Can Separation Save Marriage?

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A trial separation may allow the spouse who wants the divorce to experience some of the feelings of being separated without making a final decision to divorce. The main advantage of a trial separation, of course, is that it's easily reversible. You can try it for a while, go through counseling, and then reconcile, or you can try separation for a while, decide you like it - and then proceed with divorce.

There are two ways you and your spouse can separate: either with an informal separation or by a formal legal separation.

An informal separation is basically whatever the two of you agree it to be. Typically, one of you stays in the home you had previously shared, and the other moves into some other quarters. At this stage you normally wouldn't make any formal property division, but you would agree, informally, on some kind of working arrangement about possession of things like cars, the bank accounts, the credit cards, and the stereo.

A formal legal separation is more permanent, more complicated, and more expensive. It's also much less common. It's nearly as expensive as a divorce - sometimes more so, because it's less common - so you may have to pay your lawyer to figure out how to do everything. And often people who get a formal legal separation wind up having to go through all the pain, time, and expense again later to get an actual divorce.

So why, I hear you ask, would anyone go through a formal legal separation? Maybe because some states require that a couple seeking a divorce have been separated for some period of time. Also, some couples need to remain legally married, perhaps so one can continue to be insured for medical or other purposes by the other's company. Formal legal separation makes this possible.

Occasionally, there is no question that the couple is moving toward divorce, but know it will take some time to work everything out. If their incomes are substantially different, it may be worth agreeing on a written separation agreement; that way the person paying any alimony can deduct it on his or her tax return. The paying spouse might be able to pay the receiving spouse more than enough to pay the tax on the alimony, and still come out ahead. Sometimes one of the spouses has a religious objection to divorce. A formal separation will allow the spouses to remain officially married even as they live separate lives.

Beyond that, there may not be much of a reason to go through the time, pain, and expense of a formal legal separation. Better perhaps to agree to reach a working arrangement for an informal separation. You can then follow it up directly with either reconciliation or divorce.

So, can separation save a marriage - that is the question. Some people strenuously resist separation, thus adding even more stress into an already tense marriage. Perhaps separation may be the best option for some marriages, despite the looming shadow of divorce, as living together is obviously is not working. However, can you make it work from a distance? A trial separation will go a long way in helping you decide the answer.

Why? Because couples who separate tend to find that without the constant daily conflict and bickering the lack of proximity to their spouse provides time to think, and solve problems. Marital problems are often hard to resolve as they often get stalled by egos, fear and stubbornness. Resolution can flourish as long as at least one partner is willing to keep trying; if the urge to always be right and not back down remains then it probably means that the separation will end in divorce.

It is therefore strongly recommended that you at least give trial separation a try. If only for the sake of trying to save your marriage.