Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage

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We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people's epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.

Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.

1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home

The influence of both a male and female parent on a child's development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child's life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.

Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child's emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.

Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child's emotional and intellectual development.

2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents

Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase "for better or for worse" is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it's a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.

However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child's interests before their own.

Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.

3. To be a parent is a moral obligation - not a choice

There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child 'I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore, this simply isn't going to work'. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child 'it's better for you in the long run' but the truth is - it isn't. A child's perspective will be 'you don't love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work' - even if only subconsciously. While some may say 'I'm glad my parents split up - I couldn't stand the shouting', what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?

The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it's one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?

4. A child deserves and expects it

During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness - that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child's interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?

If a child doesn't deserve a parent's unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.

5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.

Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other's needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that's coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they 'get' out of the relationship, if they ain't 'getting' then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.

When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.

Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child's expectations of the parents are always right - even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child - they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents' affections or lives up to their expectations.

6. A broken home results in a broken child

Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life - even years afterwards - than those from two-parent families.

While parents may argue that they split up for the child's sake, in actuality, it's rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.

7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage

Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.

If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents' desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.

Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn't be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn't have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.

http://stayforyourchildren.com

Dating After Divorce - Advice for Parents

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Good for you! You've done your healing work and are ready to try dating again. But what about your kids?

I'll tell you what I tell my clients in our parenting consultation calls -- I'm glad you asked!

At first, you may decide to simply lead a double life -- enjoying an adult social life when the kids are with their other parent, and being a full time caregiver when they are at your house.

This compartmentalization works well for many parents for quite a while. And sooner or later, many of us decide we are ready for more than just an occasional night on the town.

Below are some suggestions for parents who are dating to find a new mate. For simplicity's sake, I'll write as if your date is male, and trust you to make the appropriate translation if this is not the case.

Before you became a parent, dating was just about you. The stakes were not high - if at some point things weren't working well anymore, you could just walk away.

Now, becoming serious with someone means he will play a major role in the lives of your children. Dating when you have kids is about screening prospects out, not about making allowances or exceptions that grease the way for potential partners to glide their way in to your life.

Please set your standards HIGH. You are not only interviewing for the position of partner; this job description includes parental duties as well. Excitement on Saturday nights is no longer enough - you need someone who is also engaging and helpful with the kids on Sunday mornings.

Before you introduce your new 'friend' to your kids, do your homework! To put it bluntly -- put him through the wringer. If it doesn't happen naturally anyway because your kids get sick or your child care falls through, then deliberately cancel a date or ask to change the time or meeting place. His reaction to the change will give you a sense of how he handles the inevitable schedule adjustments that are part of the parenting package.

Watch how he treats the waiter at a restaurant. Observe him driving in rush hour traffic. Any signs of a temper? Any condescension or rudeness? Ask him about his ex if he has one, and LISTEN to his answer carefully. If there's any unfinished business there, wait until it's finished before you bring him home to meet your kids.

Likewise, ask about his relationship with his family of origin, and once again, pay close attention to his reply. Listen for red flags - unresolved anger, blame, lack of forgiveness, rigidity, etc. Don't overlook these signals! They are warnings that tell you he may not be a good fit for your family situation. (It goes without saying that active addictions automatically disqualify him, right?)

Discuss topics like whether he wants to have children of his own someday. Talk about your childhoods, your values, and your ideas about religion, discipline, and finances. You can't afford to wait until later to ask these kinds of questions.

Get it all out on the table NOW, before your kids meet or become attached to him. Neil Rosenthal over at http://www.heartrelationships.com has some quizzes and relationship checklists on his site that I find to be very practical and revealing.

The bottom line: Is he the kind of man you would want your son to grow up to be? (If you don't have a son, ask yourself the question hypothetically. It still works.)

If not, don't bring him home. Either move on, or let your fling run its course out of the view of your kids.

Any prospective partner needs understand that your relationship with your kids came first: it was in place before he arrived, is permanent, and will always take priority at a very primal level. There is no room in your life for a clingy, dependent or jealous man. This is not to say that your new partner will forever play second fiddle. It's simply unkind, unfair, and unrealistic to represent yourself as anything other than what you are - a parent, first and foremost.

Tips For Parents Of Addicts

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If you have addict children, the good news is, the situation isn't hopeless. The bad news is, you're no longer in control and you're probably facing the hardest problem you've ever faced. This article will give you some tips on how to steer them in the right direction without you getting run over. While recovery is always the addicts choice, as parents, you can help lead them to that choice.

Understanding Addiction: It doesn't matter what substance your child is addicted to, addiction is the same. It usually begins in the teen years, because that's when we're vulnerable to a negative self-image, and when our peers would like to give us one. So, we try a little personality booster in the form of drugs or alcohol. That takes our minds off self-image temporarily, but the fact we "need" something to feel normal only makes us feel worse, and need more the next time around. Unless they hit bottom and become willing to do what it takes to recover, this cycle drives teens deeper and deeper into addiction.

Guilt And Codependency: As the parent, you probably didn't know until they were hooked. Then they blamed you for "not caring." You blame yourself for not knowing. Both your kids and you suspect that something you did or didn't do is the reason they're addicted. Let's start with you...GET OFF IT! You're doing the best you can and guilt is only going to make you less than your best. Let's move on to your addicted child.

If an addict has his way, everyone around him will feel responsible for his addiction and try to support the addiction out of guilt. Addicts lie and manipulate their loved ones so they can continue and increase their addiction. If parents fall for this, it's the beginning of codependency, where you become addicted to helping your addict child. For your sake, the family's sake, and especially for the sake of the addict, you can't let this happen. If it does, the whole family will go down the drain as the addict uses each one of you until there is nothing left. So, how do you stop it?

Parents With Teenage Addicts: If the addict is still a minor teenager in your house, you have more control over them. Until they just refuse to comply, you may be able to restrict friendships, unsupervised time and time away from home. Even then, a lot can happen when you're not looking. Any child addicted to drugs should not be allowed to have a cell phone, pager, car, allowance, or lunch money. All of these are vehicles to more drugs. You should regularly search their rooms, clothes, other property, public areas in and around the house for drugs, alcohol, drug equipment. If you allow them a computer, you should invest in software that allows you to go where they go and see everything they write or post in chatrooms and blogs. You should search them when they enter the house and question them closely when they leave the house.

Of course, this will result in you being the worst person on the face of the planet...so be it. Always try the loving, supportive approach, first, offering to get them counseling or other help, but be ready for it to become tough love quickly after that. Confront them about everything. If they're addicted, it won't take long before you're out of options. If you have a year or two until they turn 18 and they refuse to quit, get the authorities involved. This isn't easy, but has a better chance for success than screaming or beatings. Contact the school counselor or Principle (if they haven't already contacted you) and ask for advice. Do the same with your police department's social services agency. Make sure the child knows why you're doing this.

Parents With Older Addicts: If you have an addict who is over 18 living with you, things are a bit different. All of the inspection and investigation stuff still applies. Obviously, restricting friends is out. Getting the police involved would be a very last resort, because now it's a matter of permanent criminal record. Still, if your older child continues in an addiction while living under your roof, the whole family is at risk. You don't have the same control over the older child, but you have one big, all-powerful option you didn't have before...you can kick them out of the house. Does this sound unloving and unsupportive?

Think about it from another perspective. If you didn't evict a drug-addicted adult child and drugs were found in the home, you could be arrested, you could lose your job, your other children, your home...all because you wanted to seem supportive. Probably the biggest reason to kick the child out is...it's best for the child. While you're providing food and shelter to addicts, they can use money for their addiction that would normally go for food, shelter and clothing. Letting them continue to live there is as if you're supplying the drugs. The loving thing to do is to put them out and let them fall on their faces in the gutter, if that's what it takes for them to hit bottom and begin recovery.

The preceding tips may seem hard or cruel, but the addiction is what's cruel. By being firm and practicing tough love, you have the best chance of saving the life of your child. A wise man once said, "Love is doing what will help a friend, even if it means you lose the friendship." I know you love your child enough to do what will help, even if it hurts you to do so. That's what being a parent is all about.