5 Helpful Tips on Communicating With Your Ex For the Sake of Your Children

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Even though the act and the finality of divorce may be traumatic, it is no secret that once you have children, you are pretty much stuck with your ex forever. Now, I don't mean "stuck with" in the traditional marital sense, but you WILL have to be able to communicate with her enough to get along in front of the children at all costs. No matter how hurt, bitter, or angry you feel.

I know it sounds trite, but in this case, you need to do your very best to move past everything that has happened - for the sake of your children. Communicating effectively is imperative, so that both you and your ex-wife/girlfriend can play an active role in your children's lives. Children who have both parents in their lives have a much better chance of success than children with only one active parent. Conversely, if a child sees their parents fighting all the time, it can have some very negative, life-long effects on their emotional health.

1. Keep up with school - One area in particular that often gets overlooked while in the throes of divorce is school. BOTH parents need to be taking the opportunity to attend school functions and speak with teachers regularly about the cognitive and emotional progress of the children. Other than being with you, this is the place where your children spend the most time.

2. Fake friendship, if you have to - It is imperative that you and your ex at least maintain the appearance of getting along, while in the company of your children. Whatever issues you two have, they are not the children's. But if they grow up listening to one parent talk trash about the other it can cause insecurity and resentment towards one or both parents. They may feel the need to choose one parent over the other, which is never fair.

3. They are not little messengers - NEVER use your children to send written or verbal messages back and forth between you and your ex. This happens in far too many cases and is also extremely unfair. It turns the child into a "mini-adult" and places too much burden and responsibility on an already stressed out child. Instead, you should learn to be able to talk with your ex about issues that arise concerning the children.

4. Use the phone - If you cannot talk rationally face to face, consider doing it over the phone. Only speak about situations or issues that have to do with the kids. Be objective (take a step back and look at the situation from all sides) and compromise. Don't try to always get your way, keep the children's needs in mind.

5. Maybe a letter? - Communicating via written notes is easier for some newly estranged parents than speaking face-to-face. Writing letters or notes gives you a chance to think about what you want to say before you say it and take an emotional step back. This is great, but only if you do not use the children as messengers.

Poor communication is one of the main reasons that many couples file for divorce in the first place. Needless to say, it will not always be easy to communicate after you sign the papers. Sometimes it will be downright treacherous. But, the mental and emotional well-being of your children is too important to fail at this, so take the time to figure out what works best for you and your ex.

Seeing their parents be respectful to each other teaches children to be respectful themselves. It also teaches them conflict resolution and gives them a sense of security. No parent would deny their children those things on purpose. Stay vigilant and communicative to help EVERYONE in the family.